Please Don’t Die Jeff Hardy – Our Hell in a Cell Predictions

Yikes, whose idea was it to make your top babyface champion Satan?  Yet again, the impeccable logic of the WWE.

We’ve been quiet here on the Dark Match for the past couple of weeks.  Summerslam really bummed us out.  We’re also looking to refocus the site and change things up a bit.  If you have any suggestions, please let us know.  Prediction posts are still fun, even if the results aren’t.  Let’s get to it!

The Kickoff – Who’s Day Is It Anyway?

SmackDown Tag Team Champions The New Day vs. Rusev & Aiden English

Matt:  I’m actually going to go with Rusev Day on this one.  WWE seems to have finally seen the light, and by light I mean the fact that the WWE Universe fucking loves Rusev.  There’s not really anywhere to work him in as a singles competitor right now, but coming off a WWE Championship opportunity, handing the man a tag team belt is at least a step in the right direction.  Accolade to Woods, Kofi on sidelines for this one.

Jeremy:  I’d like Rusev Day to get the win here for some sort of vote of confidence.  However, I just read that Kofi is 8 Days away from being the longest reigning Tag Team Champion of all time.  So…a title change isn’t happening.  It’s possible that Rusev Day gets a shot at the Super Show Down, but they’ll probably do something stupid there.  They’ve probably already announced the match.  Either way, Aiden eats a Big Ending to lose the match for Rusev Day.

The Main Card

Raw Tag Team Champions Dolph Ziggler & Drew McIntrye vs. Seth Rollins & Dean Ambrose

Matt:  If Seth didn’t already have the Intercontinental belt, this one would be a no brainer, but even being the workhorse that he is, I don’t imagine they’re going to want to wear him out with multiple matches on a semi-nightly basis as a two-fer champion.  There’s no way this match sees a clean ending.  I’ll assume Dolph/McIntyre pick this one up via DQ, as the champions retain.  I would like to see McIntyre challenge Rollins for the IC belt down the line though.

Jeremy:  There’s something super creepy with Seth’s face against that fire backdrop.  It seems like he’s personally enjoying plotting to murder me.  Either way, I think the champs retain here, maybe even with some interference from Braun.  They’ll hit there Claymore/ZigZag combo for the pin on Rollins.

Daniel Bryan & Brie Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse

Matt:  I’m probably in the minority on this one, but I simply don’t give a shit.  The build for Summerslam was so good, and the match should have had a conclusion.  Feuds can be reignited down the line, I don’t understand why they insist on constantly booking basically the same matches over and over and over and over and over and over and over and ………  Did you want to see Shinsuke vs Hardy again the other night?  Did you actually want to see KO vs Sami Zayn #1,476 when it was constantly thrown at us?  Did you not see that they even managed to wear out the amazingly, amazingly done New Day vs Usos feud with overbooking.  Whatever, apparently the ratings are up with The Bellas around, so don’t look for Brie to lose here.  DB and Brie win this one, and since it will make it 1-1, just expect to see these two in yet another match at whatever the next PPV is.

Jeremy:  I’ll make a confession here:  I’ve never been a big Daniel Bryan guy.  He’s great and important, sure, but just not my deal.  I drunkenly wrote a twitter post a couple years ago congratulating Mike Mizanin for just killing it in everything he does.  I hope he continues to do that tonight.  I have a feeling Maryse will get the pin on Brie here.

SmackDown Women’s Champion Charlotte Flair vs. Becky Lynch

Matt:  STRAIGHT FIRE ALL DAY BABY!  They protect the living shit out of Charlotte, but Becky Balboa is money like no other woman on the roster.  Just give her the damn thing already.

Jeremy:  This is partially to blame why I’ve been burnt out.  The heel turn after their match at Summerslam, the immediate “fans don’t support me” promo… Sure, they’ve walked that back and Becky has been amazing, but it just left a bad taste in my mouth.  I’ve heard rumors of a double turn.  I don’t expect them to do it, but I would be all in for that.  Other than that, Becky locks Charlotte in the Dis-Arm-Her to become a two time SmackDown Live Women’s Champion.  Just kidding.  You know Charlotte is going to lock in the Figure 8 and retain, right?

Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton (Hell in a Cell Match)

Matt:  Orton will RKO Hardy through the top of the cage and both competitors will be either dead or permanently paralyzed.  This one scares me.  Jeff Hardy does something insane, Orton picks up what’s left of the pieces of Broken Brother Nero for the pin and victory.

While we’re discussing a Hardy, we would like to wish the absolute best to Matt Hardy who announced his retirement to return home and be the father and husband he prefers to be anyway.  May this vessel finally find some peace.

Jeremy:  This match is going to be hard to watch.  I can predict Jeff Hardy will do a Swanton sometime after Orton sticks some foreign object through Jeff’s ear piercing.  I’m super glad that I won’t be watching this live.  I can’t take it.  Randy Orton wins with an RKO in the middle of the ring.

Raw Women’s Champion Ronda Rousey vs. Alexa Bliss

Matt:  I’m bored already with Rousey.  Find a way to make her interesting quickly.  Alexa loses via DQ when half the locker room attacks Ronda, setting up for some sort of Four Horsewomen of MMA Survivor Series feud for the kickoff show.

Jeremy:  Ronda wins and shakes off that funk of the terrible tag match she had on Raw this past week.  She doesn’t get a decisive win.  You have keep Alexa looking moderately good before she has that match with Trish at Evolution.  I’ll say that Alexa tries her armbar and Ronda reverses it into hers to get a submission victory and retain.

WWE Champion AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe

Matt:  I don’t pick against AJ Styles, pretty much ever, and I”m not about to start.  AJ Styles will retain this belt until the end of time if it means erasing the Brock Lesnar record.

Jeremy:  I’m also disappointed that this match isn’t in the cell.  Oh well.  Maybe this allows Wendy Styles to get involved in the match?  I really think they could get a lot of goodwill with the fan base and have Samoa Joe take a run at the top, even if it’s short.  Joe puts AJ to sleep and becomes your new WWE Champion.

Matt:  I’m taking Strowman here, with Roman winning the belt back in his contractual rematch on Monday night.  What?  Weirder things have happened, and at least they can say they aren’t Superman booking Roman if he drops the belt here.  Right?

Jeremy:  I’d like Strowman to win, but he has way less chance than Joe does in the previous match.  I expect Mick to hit Braun with Mr. Socko and then maybe Roman to spear him after he pushes Mick away.  Pinfall.  I don’t expect there to be any crazy HIAC spots in this match.

Crazy Predictions

Matt:  Elias gives the performance of a lifetime, is accidentally still in the ring when the cage lowers for Strowman vs Roman, inadvertently ends up in a Triple Threat Match and becomes the Universal Champion.  I can dream.

Jeremy:  I think the craziest prediction has to be that Jeff and Randy will have an entirely mat-based, technical match that doesn’t take advantage of the cage at all.