Monday Night Braaaaauuuuuunnnnnnnn – Raw Recap – Monday, January 15, 2018

In the end times, it is said that the apocalypse shall follow four horsemen.  Well, the horseman of death ate the other three, then decided the rest of the world deserved to get those hands and came to us in the form of Braun Strowman.

As the WWE moved along towards Texas (even though they’ve got to turn around and be in New York City in a week), San Antonio played host to the most recent display of animalistic carnage from the “Monster Among Us”.

The show opened with Braun telling us a short story about the Royal Rumble (because why would a horseman of the apocalypse not also have the gift of foresight?).  When he gets to Philadelphia, if he wills it, he will walk out the Universal Champion.  Now for all intents and purposes, I don’t want to see any outcome for the Royal Rumble where Braun does not achieve this goal as I’ve already had to watch Lesnar get past the Death Bringer once, but I don’t ever really seem to get what I want (hence the John Cena win-loss record for events I attend live).

Strowman was then fired by Kurt Angle.

I’m going to ask you a serious question right now, and I know I’ve made a point to be pretty PG with this site throughout our history, but it has to be said exactly like this:  who in the fuck would ever have the balls to fire that?  Look back up there at that monster.  You’ve seen him angry.  He doesn’t have to double in size and turn green, he’s already a hulking fit of rage just walking around ready to eat the first born of anything that looks at him funny.

So Strowman did Strowman things, because what the hell else does he have to lose at this point, he’s unemployed now.

And when I say Strowman did Strowman things, we’ve seen him flip an ambulance, emerge from a garbage truck after being crushed, and bring down an entire stage setup on top of people.  What would the Monster bring to the table to one up all of that, and show that he’s really pissed off now?????  I’m glad you asked.

That’s right, he unhooked a semi from one of the production trailers and flipped the sum bitch.  He’s not even sweating when he’s done.  I can’t walk a half mile without having to change shirts on account of sweat and this guy is just going around deadlifting semi trucks.

Other items in the path of destruction:

  • Curt Hawkins just attempting to enjoy the craft services table after what I assume was a really quick loss on Main Event.
  • A cake.
  • Kurt Angle’s office.
  • The relationship between Michael Cole and Booker T.
  • Michael Cole.

The last two are important to note because when Strowman headed towards the announcers desk to break more bodies, the entire crew began to scatter.  At this point, Booker T appeared to push Cole down in an effort to sacrifice the long time broadcaster to the deity approaching.

Really, this is all that happened on this episode of Raw.  I’m going to point out the rest of the things, but seriously, this is all that mattered and should be treated as such.

The things that took away from Braun Strowman’s Screen Time:

  • Sonya DeVille def. Sasha Banks because hahahahaha, you’re teamed with Balor so you’re not over either, Boss.  I think the road for DeVille to the Women’s Championship will be a short one, unless Asuka ends up with it and then all the women should just transfer to Smackdown.
  • Titus Worldwide def. The Bar on a distraction from Jason Jordan to the dismay of his tag team partner.
  • Seth Rollins def. Finn Balor with a damned Curb Stomp.  I thought that was outlawed.  The Bar attempted to even the score, but didn’t get very far as they inadvertently went at it with Gallows and Anderson.
  • Cedric Alexander def. Tony Nese with Golddust and Enzo at ringside.  I won’t even lie to you, I fast forwarded through a lot of this because 1) I knew before it even started that Cedric was going to get to hit the Lumbar Check and get the win and 2) having to watch Tony Nese job to Cedric Alexander bums me out.
  • The Revival def. Jobbers.  Good to see them back, now use them.
  • Asuka and Nia Jax ended in a no contest when Nia was unable to compete following a seemingly nasty bump on the ring steps.  This seems to be a work though as it was later used to push the Enzo-Nia story a bit further.
  • Woken Matt Hardy def. Heath Slater and debuted an entirely new entrance setup, complete with beautifully epic orchestral music and display components that even Vanguard 1 would be proud of.
  • Roman Reigns def. The Miztourage in a handicapped match, because yards and stuff.
  • A video package remembering Dr. King and a second of several of the superstars touring the museum in Memphis.  It’s always good stuff, I just wish we could show things like this throughout the year, all over, rather than only on one day or in one month.  Let’s just highlight the good in the world regularly rather than forgetting all the needs of society until you’re trying to show off in December or on MLK day.

The important parts here are clearly Matt Hardy’s updated entrance (which is fantastic) and the use of the Curb Stomp.  Aside from that, it was mostly just Raw as Usual.  In any event, BRAUNNNNNNNN GETS AN OVERALL GRADE OF A+, the rest of the show gets a B-