The Dark Match has No Mercy for our Predictions

Michele, Matt, and I (Jeremy for those too lazy to look up a couple of inches on the page) will be in the house tonight for No Mercy at the Staples Center in Los Angeles.  We’ve baked up a fresh batch of predictions that will probably be wrong.  Let’s kick it off with the…er…kickoff!

The Kickoff

Apollo Crews Vs. Elias

Jeremy:  Who’s ready to walk with Elias?  I am.  I like Apollo as a person but his wrestling character is non-existant.  The Titus brand has legitimately helped but he needs to be on a Rocky Maivia heel run asap.  Elias hits his finisher while Titus looks crushed on the outside.

Matt:  I’m already in my Walk with Elias World Tour shirt, but seriously, what the hell is this match?  Decide what to do with Elias, please.  You can’t keep doing this thing where he’s in these matches for opportunities at the IC belt and then toss him in a last minute “oh crap we need a kickoff show match” match against an opponent that makes no sense.  He should be in the Jason Jordan spot for the IC belt at this point, at least for some semblance of consistency to exist.  But then again, tonight’s date isn’t even on the back of this shirt, so he clearly wasn’t intended to have anything going on this evening.  Either way, Elias Walks Hard.

Michele: This is the part where Kim Jong Il shoots his rockets and destroys the ring.  The ring is covered with nuclear dust and the rest of the PPV is really weird.  For real though, Elias is my pick.  Apollo Crews has had a long time to figure out his identity and he hasn’t found it yet.

The Main Card

Jason Jordan Vs. The Miz for the Intercontinental Championship

Jeremy:  On one hand, The Miz’s reign is getting a little stale.  On the other hand, I don’t think Jordan is ready for an IC run just yet.  I’m torn on this one.  I think Jordan has a chance to defeat The Miz.  I think he’s going to get a little help from someone to equalize the situation.  I think Matt Hardy will show up to help or perhaps both the Hardy Men if the Jeff Hardy rumors are wrong.  It would be a good way to get them on the show that they are conspicuously absent from.  Jason Jordan’s terrible music will echo through the Staples Center as we have a new Intercontinental Champion.  I expect his reign to be a short one.  Miz will have it back going into Survivor Series.

Matt:  Who gives a shit?  I mean, really.  Read what Jeremy said.  Then read what Michele said.  Jason Jordan’s push is crap, he shouldn’t be in this sort of position right now.  I want someone to interfere in this match to actually get us to a good feud.  Maybe Broken Matt Hardy.  That’s my prediction, Miz retains on interference from Broken Matt Hardy. 

Michele: The Miz retains because Jason Jordan sucks.

Emma Vs. Bayley Vs. Sasha Banks Vs. Nia Jax Vs. Alexa Bliss for the Raw Women’s Championship

Jeremy:  I have no idea so I’m just going to take a random stab at this.  I’m going with Emma as a transitional champion so Asuka can take it off her at Survivor Series.  Emma sneaks a pin with a roll up on Bliss.  #GiveEmmaAChance

Matt:  I’m going to leave my complaining about the “Women’s Revolution” getting crapped on constantly for Michele, because it tends to be the one thing we consistently agree on and you’ve heard it from me repeatedly.  I’m going to go with Bayley here, but I think she’s going to do something dirty and get the win over Sasha, getting the fallout underway.  I’m with Sam Roberts in that the storytelling will work better if it is Bayley that decides she’s got to cross the line to get where she wants to be.

Michele: How long into this women’s revolution do we have to wait for just normal single matches on these PPV instead of this heap of garbage.  I guess Nia Jax but it doesn’t really solve the problem.

Human Finn Bálor Vs. Bray Wyatt

Jeremy:  It’s going to be Human Finn Bálor unless we have some very strange surprise.  Maybe Bray comes out in some sort of paint?  Who knows.  But yeah, Finn all the way with a Coup de Grace.

Matt:  I don’t understand this whole thing.  If Bray is a “God” then what difference does face paint make?  Does that dead raccoon growing out of his face not sort of count as face paint?  Also, this guy was the champion like 8 months ago.  Won, over Cena, Elimination Chamber.  Now they’re just completely lost.  Bray wins this one so we have to have a Rubber Match.  We get a sequel to the House of Horrors.  Bray Wyatt

Michele: Bray ask “You can beat me as a demon, but can you beat me as a man.”  Finn responds, “Yes.  Yes, I can.”

Sheamus & Cesaro Vs. Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins for the WWE Raw Tag Team Championship

Jeremy:  I think we will get another hard hitting match with Dean and Seth retaining.  There might show some minor cracks in their teamwork but the payoff won’t come until Royal Rumble, at least.

Matt:  I honestly think this belt changes hands because they aren’t quite ready to move on to anyone else in this picture.  It’s sort of like the Smackdown Tag Belts, in that it will just be The Usos and The New Day forever.  I’m hoping either way that next time we get a Triple Threat with the Good Brothers involved, because they seem to keep being right around this whole feud, but never in the big match.  Sheamus and Cesaro reclaim the belts.

Michele: Ambrose and Rollins retain or I riot.

Enzo Vs. Neville for the Cruiserweight Championship

Jeremy:  I think Enzo is going to cheat.  The referee isn’t going to see it and we have a new Cruiserweight Champion.  Neville will throughly destroy Enzo after the match and win the championship back on Tuesday.

Matt:  Long Reign the King.  Neville wins quickly.  I think he actually mauls Enzo about as bad as Big Cass kept trying to do.

Michele:  The King of the Cruiserweights retains.

John Cena Vs. Roman Reigns

Jeremy:  Roman Reigns is going to win this one.  John probably does need to go film something after this.  I expect this match to maybe be the best match on the card.  I think John is going to pull at least a 4+ star match out of Roman.  This is a more significant torch passing moment than when Roman beat the Undertaker.  Roman Reigns wins after hitting two spears and 17 million Superman punches.

Matt:  I think more than anything that this match needs to be a showcase for Roman.  He went over Undertaker, but Undertaker is like 1,000 years old and isn’t what he used to be in the ring, so it wasn’t the sort of service that it could have been in a “passing of the torch” sort of moment.  I think Cena draws a big one from Reigns here and Reigns picks up the win.  Cena will be gone for a while, but will return in time to win the Royal Rumble on the same night that Reigns defeats Strowman for the Universal Title.  They’re making too much fuss about this being “Wrestlemania Worthy” for it to not be coming back around in a few months, just like they used to do with Rock and Cena.  Reigns wins, but Super Cena isn’t going to make it easy on him.  Can we at least avoid Cena doing the Armband thing when he loses this one?

Michele:  Roman Reigns wins because the alternative doesn’t make any sense. Stop picking on Roman’s inability to cut a decent promo.

Braun Strowman Vs. Brock Lesnar for the Universal Championship

Jeremy:  My brain (and the betting lines) says that Brock is going to win, but my heart tells me the monster among men is going to stand tall at the end of the bout.  It could very well be a repeat of the Joe/Lesnar match from July.  I’d be ok with Lesnar winning on two conditions:  1) the match actually goes longer than 10 minutes.  2) Strowman beats down Lesnar so bad after the match where Brock has to relinquish the title and disappear from TV.

I’m still going to predict that Strowman is going to win.  He has to.  He’s maybe one of the most over big man that’s ever existed.

Matt:  I’m going with a Double Count Out here.  I think Lesnar has purpose for putting Strowman through a barricade or announce table, and Strowman doesn’t want the belt he just wants to absolutely destroy things.  Nobody wins, and neither do we, but at least that means Strowman gets to keep going in the main event picture.


Crazy off-the-wall Predictions

Jeremy:  Braun only loses because Roman isn’t finished with Braun and tries to run him over slowly with the Staples Center’s zamboni.  Brock retains by DQ.

Matt:  It’s been a few posts since I predicted The Undertaker, so I’m going to predict that The Undertaker emerges through the ring to take out Roman Reigns during the Reigns-Cena match, setting up for them to do another round at Survivor Series.  And for no reason, let’s assume that if that doesn’t happen, Roman randomly decides to attempt murder on Braun Strowman again tonight.    Also, I don’t even want to think about Michele’s prediction here, as my luck would have it that I’d be on the West Coast in a major city closest to North Korea when Kim Jong decided it was time to open the hellmouth.

Michele:  I led with my crazy nuclear winter prediction so I’m good.