“Nobody follows the Killer” The Dark Match Predicts Raw’s Great Balls of Fire

The most ridiculous-themed WWE PPV is almost upon us.  To celebrate, I (Jeremy) am filling this post with Jerry Lee Lewis quotes and random photos.

Either be hot or cold. If you are lukewarm, the Lord will spew you forth from His mouth.

So hopefully this PPV will be good and…er…not lukewarm.

WWE Cruiserweight Champion Neville vs. Akira Tozawa (Kickoff Match)

Other people – they practice and they practice… these fingers of mine, they got brains in ’em. You don’t tell them what to do – they do it. God given talent.

Jeremy:  I think Tozawa is going to be really close to winning this match…and Titus Worldwide will screw it up and draw a DQ.  I think we end up with a triple threat at Summerslam.  I’m not sure who the third person will be, but I feel like that’s what’s going to happen.  Neville via DQ.

Matt:  Not cool that this match is in the kickoff show.  This one is going to be a blast to watch, but I don’t see Neville dropping this belt any time soon.  Neville

Seth Rollins vs. Bray Wyatt

I never set fire to a piano. I’d like to have got away with it, though. I pushed a couple of them in the river. They wasn’t any good.

Jeremy:  I’m conflicted with this  What’s the point of Bray if he never gets a win.  He’s not scary.  On the flip side, Seth Rollins is the cover star for 2k18 so it seems weird if he get a loss here.  Seth Rollins wins via a clean pinfall.

Matt:  Seth Rollins couldn’t possibly get a win on Triple H and then have to drop this one to Bray, could he?  The Godslayer?

Intercontinental Champion The Miz vs. Dean Ambrose

I’ve learned to be one of the hardheadedest cats in the world. I’ve learned that.

Jeremy:  Biker Bo and and The Axe Man will ensure that Dean loses here.  Miz wins via a skull crushing finale.

Matt:  It would be incredibly premature to derail The Miz Intercontinential Championship World Tour this soon, plus he’s got his Marine 5 flunkies to help him get through this match.  I’m ready for them to work both of these guys on to something else.  Miz Retains.

Enzo Amore vs. Big Cass

Hippies? Why, I’m the original.

Jeremy:  Cass is going to be surprised by the offense and fire from Enzo.  Enzo will pick up the win but by DQ as Cass uses excessive force to draw heat and put Enzo out.  We’re going to have a much bigger match for Brooklyn.  That’s the ultimate place to have this match.  Enzo via DQ.

Matt:  I think this one will be a quick match but it’ll have Enzo eat a sh**load of big moves from Cass but continue to kick out.  After the pinfall, Cass will pick him up again and hit another big slam, drawing Big Show out to make the save.  Big Cass

Raw Tag Team Champions Cesaro & Sheamus vs. The Hardy Boyz (30-Minute WWE Iron Man Match)

Y’know, there’s nothin’ like tearing up a good club now and then.

Jeremy:  I think the Hardy’s lose here but because of Jeff’s spot monkey ways.  I don’t think anyone is getting #Broken just yet though.  Sheamus and Cesaro retain.

Matt:  Hardyz will lose, finally breaking Matt Hardy, and we will get the close of this feud in Broken Brooklyn.  Sheamus and Cesaro retain.

Raw Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss vs. Sasha Banks

I am right. I’m always right. One time I thought I was wrong, I found out I was right.

Jeremy:  I’m actually going to go with Alexa on this one.  I honestly don’t have a reason one way or another.  Maybe that’s a warning sign that they really haven’t done anything to build this match.  Perhaps Alexa retains on the very real possibility of Nia Jax interfering.  Either way, Alexa Bliss retains.

Matt:  Damn this card is long, and unfortunately, when we get a long card the women’s segment gets shafted on time.  I actually think they might let Sasha take this one, mostly because I think they’re going to want to get to Bayley-Sasha one last time in Brooklyn.  Sasha Banks

Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman (Ambulance Match)

If I’m going to Hell, I’m going there playing the piano.

Jeremy:  Braun Strowman is timeless.  He literally could get in an time machine and face Hulk Hogan in 1985 and no one would bat an eye.  He’s a classic WWE heel.  In 1985, he’d be booed without question.  Today, because he’s being booked against someone we’ve resisted, he gets universally cheered.  I think Vince and creative are really paying attention to the Roman issue and are starting to try different things.  Roman Reigns is money, but not quite in the way they originally envisioned.  It seems like they’re experimenting with him and I encourage it.  Braun is going over Reigns, despite the rumors that Roman is facing Brock for the Universal Championship at Summerslam.  I think Braun is going over because of this.  The Monster Among Men puts Roman in the ambulance and flips it over.  At Summerslam, Roman will interfere in the Universal Championship match causing a Triple threat between Braun, Roman, and the winner of the next match.

Matt:  I know I can’t be the only one that is absolutely thrilled for this match.  For starters, it feels like the WWE from my high school days.  An Ambulance Match?  Hell yes.  Second, these two hold absolutely nothing back to make their clashes as big as they can.  I wouldn’t put it past Braun to agree to be run over by the ambulance, just so that it’s in position for him to bench it off his own chest while screaming uncontrollably about how he’s not done with Roman yet.  Roman may rip an ambulance door off it’s hinges to use as a weapon.  Four fans in the row closest to the Ambulance corner of the ramp may die as a result of this match.  The ambulance could literally burst into flames.  But let’s go even more insane here, as I predict that Roman Reigns will be winning, and pull the back door of the ambulance open to reveal The Undertaker, who will throw Roman in the ambulance and leave the arena.  Want more?  It’ll be American Bad Ass Taker, because he left the duster and bowler hat in Orlando.  Boom.  The Undertaker wins the Ambulance Match he isn’t even a part of.

Universal Champion Brock Lesnar vs. Samoa Joe

I’ve always showed up. If I got paid.

Jeremy:  Let’s just get it out there.  I desperately want Joe to win here.  I want someone to win who is actually on TV regularly.  I want a fighting champion and Samoa Joe is your fighting champion.  If Braun wins the ambulance match, however, I do think Brock is going to pull it off.  Joe has shown himself the superstar that he is.  If he doesn’t win tonight, I hope they set this up as a series as this is the only time I’ve ever been excited for a Brock match.  And I get the feeling that Brock is excited too, there seems to be a different energy about him compared to how he normally gets in the lead up to these matches.  Samoa Joe wins via Coquina Clutch to become your new Universal Champion.

Matt:  I ever so desperately want them to pull a swift one here and have Joe take the belt.  Not a Goldberg :30 second slaughtering of Brock Lesnar, but I want Brock Lesnar to be the monster he can be in the ring with someone who can go a lengthier bout with him, and believably beat him for the title.  I think Brock Lesnar needs to walk away for a while, because I think he’s even burnt out on this version of himself.  Have him come back at a Rumble in 2019 and win.  He’d get an unreal pop and I don’t think anyone would be upset about him winning in that sort of scenario.  He’s got to pay a due every now and again, and unfortunately, taking a loss at the hands of a Legend’s Curtain Call isn’t what it is going to take.  John Cena got back over with the smarks because he was willing to start eating losses to help get other wrestlers over.  He reportedly asked to be a part of helping get Wyatt over at Elimination Chamber.  That’s the stuff that smarks appreciate.  If Lesnar were willing to take the loss here, even if it is just to get to a Triple Threat Match at Summerslam where Roman wins the belt anyway, the smark net would explode.  So I’m actually going to throw it out there.  I’m predicting Samoa Joe is the new Universal Champion.

Everything Else

I’m dragging the audience to hell with me.

Jeremy:  This is the most packed “B show” I think I’ve ever seen.  There’s no Finn on this card but he’ll show up in some kind of fashion.  I think he was meant to face Bray but they realized that the 2k18 cover star needed a match so they have another excuse to play the commercial.  One thing everyone can agree on is that the Brock Vs. Joe build has been the best in a long, long time.  It’s crazy that this isn’t the Raw part of the card for Summerslam.

Matt:  This card is entirely too long for a lot of these matches to get much love at all, and honestly, they have a PPV monthly for a single brand, stretch some of this out and then you won’t leave things feeling forced or half assed.  Sasha won a gauntlet match as the last entrant, that does not a heroic championship victory story make.  The Hardyz and Finn Balor have been more of a story than anything to do with Sheamus and Cesaro.  Hell, so has The Drifter for that matter.  They’ve cared so seemingly little about the direction of this Miz vs Ambrose thing that they even edited one of their matches out of the Hulu version of Raw two weeks ago, in spite of leaving the wildly unnecessary Lamar Ball segment ripe with live mic “n” bombs.  Oh, and to boot they signed a couple to basically negate the entire need for half the writing they had been doing for Miz since Raw after Mania in Dallas when Maryse returned, the vast majority of which is the reason Miz is on the run he is currently on.  They don’t need to force Cena to work double time to get ratings up, they need to fully plan storylines throughout the roster and see them through, not just have the same people have the same match 20 times and then move them on to the next thing with little provocation.  I’m really hopeful about some of the matches on this card, but I have to be this skeptical because, well, I’m conditioned to it.  I love professional wrestling, and in the words of Max Landis, “when it’s good, it’s fucking great.”  I just wish the creative department seemed to feel the same way about it that all of us do, because they can’t think they’re doing their jobs to the level they need to be performed, can they?  Do they care at all?