And now, let’s predict Extreme Rules 2017

Extreme Rules invades Baltimore, MD Sunday night, and if you believe the promotional material, a fatal five way matchup could shape the entirety of the New Era, even though it’s pretty much guaranteed to put one in the loss column for whomever wins as they’ll meet Lesnar in Dallas on his way to a meeting of the big men with Strowman at Summerslam.  Anyway, let’s look at what the E has lined up for us Sunday.

Rich Swann & Sasha Banks vs Noam Dar & Alicia Fox

Matt – I don’t even have to predict this one, right?  There’s no chance they have Sasha Banks drop this match.  I pray that they let Sasha and Alicia actually wrestle and steer clear of this cheapened cat fight shit they’ve been doing lately, and that they actually let Swann and Dar showcase their talents rather than making this more about the women, when it is clearly a Cruiserweight Match.  Get the women off 205 Live and focus on giving them creative on Raw, where they need the help.  Swann & Banks, probably via the Banks Statement

Jeremy – Vince books Fox to win with whatever her finishing move is because he thinks it’ll be funny.  Fans on the internet will cry into their beers that Sasha has lost to a jobber, yet again.  Vince will sit in Gorilla stroking an imaginary cat.  He doesn’t have a real one because he’s allergic.

Sheamus & Cesaro challenge The Hardyz for the WWE Raw Tag Team Championship

Matt – I really don’t know.  Matt Hardy has continued to tease that his Broken Vessel will return, and it’s going to take dropping the belts to get to it.  Let’s go ahead and pull the cord on that.  Sheamus & Cesaro win, via heel tactics, become the Champions, unleash the Broken Hardy return.

Jeremy – I do think that Sheamus and Cesaro win the WWE Raw Tag Team Championship.  If we’re really getting the broken condition, it will be after Jeff tries the Swanton from the top of the cage and misses, allowing Sheamus and Cesaro to just leave through the door.

Dean Ambrose defends the Intercontinental Championship against The Miz

Matt – I think it is about time for The Miz to shit or get off the pot.  I mean, this was pretty much the only thing they let either of them do on Smackdown prior to the Superstar Shakeup, so if he doesn’t win the belt, they need to move on to something else for both of these guys.  Both of these guys need a refresher, but I don’t see the company realizing that.  Miz wins, these two have to have another match at Great Balls of Fire, and Summerslam and Survivor Series, and for the rest of time the IC belt transfers back and forth between the two of them.

Jeremy – I hope both these guys find new dance partners after this match.  Both of these guys are great if you’re using them properly.  Miz and Dean work but we need something new for both of them.  I’m not entirely sure who you put them with though.  I’ve been watching promos between Dean (Jon Moxley) and Tozawa from Dragongate USA.  I’d love to see those guys square off.  Back to the match, I also think Miz is going to win this one.  Perhaps we get full heel Dean or at least a very dark shade of grey.  His work with the Shield is stellar and I wouldn’t mind a brief run with that mean streak back.  Miz wins via DQ and is your new Intercontinental Champion

Austin Aries vs Neville for the Cruiserweight Championship in a Submission Match

Matt – It’s A Double’s time.  I love these guys, but something will have to give (for reference, read what I said about Ambrose and Miz).  TJP is primed for another run at the belt from the Heel side, and honestly, Aries isn’t necessarily a good guy himself.  The biggest issue with the Cruiserweight division is the wealth of talent with only one prize.  Mustafa Ali needs a big push, they’re going to have to do something with Cedric Alexander, etc.  But this one goes to the banana man.  Austin Aries via The Last Chancery.

Jeremy – Austin Aries wins with the Last Chancery, which I think is a really dumb name for a finisher.  He’s your new Cruiserweight Champion.  Afterwards, Double A, Arn Anderson, comes out of retirement to challenge A Double for the Cruiserweight Championship.  Double A has clearly let himself go and is extremely overweight (see what I did there?).  He’s nowhere near the 205 lbs requirement.  It doesn’t matter.  Kurt Angle okays the match and pours milk all over himself.

Kendo Stick on a Pole Match (I know) as Bayley challenges Alexa Bliss for the Raw Women’s Championship

Matt – I don’t want to shit on the Kendo Stick on a Pole Match too much, as its pretty well been beaten to death almost as bad as the “Bayley, This is your Life” segment from Raw.  Bayley will get the stick, Alexa will take it from her and use it, which is apparently against the rules.  Bayley wins via DQ, Alexa retains.

Jeremy – After the travesty of a segment that was the “This is Your Life, Bayley!” on Monday, they need something to be a home run here.  I feel like this match is going to fall short.  I hope to be wrong but this one feels like it’s going to be on the same level as a Judy Bagwell on a Forklift match.  I’m not going to predict the particulars but Alexa is going to retain this one.  One can hope that Nia shows up to keep Bayley from getting the kendo stick somehow to keep it interesting.

Fatal Five Way to determine who will challenge Brock Lesnar for the Universal Championship at Great Balls of Fire (tee hee) – Roman Reigns vs Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins vs Bray Wyatt vs Samoa Joe

Matt – I’m exhausted from typing all of that.  I don’t think anyone wins this match.  I think it goes strong for a while, but when it looks like Roman will win, we get the return of Strowman because he’s not finished with Roman yet, and he lays waste to everyone in this match.  While I’m at it, let’s add more chaos, as Lesnar shows up to stand toe to toe with Strowman, probably landing an F5 on him and closing the show standing over the carnage.  Nobody wins.

Jeremy – Ok.  I’ll bite.  I also predict that Strowman shows up at the end of this match but I think it will be after the bell rings to signify Roman Reigns as the winner.  While Roman is taking a moment to celebrate, you’ll hear “I’m not finished with you” in 5.1 surround sound at full volume, no matter if you have the sound at a respectable level.  You see, Braun learned some of Bray’s Audio/Visual tricks while healing up in North Carolina.  He can now control your TV.  He’ll fall from the sky and crush Roman under his weight.  Thus, Roman will be unable to compete for Great Balls of Fire.  And for each PPV until Wrestlemania, they’ll be a different excuse on why he can’t use his #1 contender status on Brock.  It’s all part of the plan…