Mile Marker 4 – Smackdown Live Recap (3/7/17)

Banker’s Life Fieldhouse in Indianapolis, Indiana plays ho…..that doesn’t even matter.  We’re only 26 Days from WRESTLEMANIA!!!!!!  Expect a bunch of New Day gifs in here.  I’m beyond excited for all their shenanigans in 26 days….when The Dark Match team goes to WRESTLEMANIA!!!!!!!

Who Will Face Bray Wyatt at Wrestlemania?

Any Smackdown that starts off with “Here Comes the Money” is going to be a good Smackdown Live.  This one should be no different.  Shane and Daniel Bryan make their way to the ring to present their cases for both Randy Orton and AJ Styles to take the honors.  Oddly enough, considering all the rumor mill rumblings that AJ would face Shane at Wrestlemania, Shane was on team AJ Styles in this debate.  But how will we settle it?  With a match, playa!

That’s right.  Your main event, AJ Styles vs Randy Orton for the first time ever to determine who goes on to Wrestlemania.

The Stuff in the Middle:

  • AJ Styles cuts a promo in the back with DB and Shane, saying he’s going to take out Randy Orton and it’s going to be on them.  He’s not afraid of fire or vipers, apparently.
  • James Ellsworth & Carmella vs John Cena & Nikki Bella:  I don’t expect this match to actually happen.  Has anyone ever paid enough attention to notice the extreme Offspring tattoo on Ellsworth’s left arm?  Like, who the hell likes The Offspring that much?  Miz and Maryse come out before the match starts, distracting Bella enough to eat a superkick from Mella, and we’re underway.
    • Commercial Break:

  • And we’re back…..”John Cena looks like ‘the f*#king Hulk right now” – Daisy.  Cena and Bella proceeded to perform all their moves (read as John Cena’s moveset that Nikki Bella has adopted).  Miz and Maryse pull the winners out of the ring and slam each into the steel steps (Cena) and ring post (Bella).  Miz opposite John Cena on the microphone may be the closest thing Smackdown Live has to how epically great Chris Jericho has been on Raw for months now.  (If you didn’t watch the opening segment of last night’s Raw, watch it.  Jericho just keeps getting better, maaaaaaaaaan!)  John Cena and Nikki Bella win via simultaneous tap outs.  Can someone explain to me how I’ve seen John Cena get right back up after a Pedigree on steel steps or a Tombstone Piledriver, but somehow being pushed into the steps rendered him completely dead?  It never makes any sense, even with my suspension of disbelief.
  • Dean Ambrose faces the facts:  That’s not necessarily ever going to be true.  If I were Curt Hawkins, even for a pay cut, I’d probably have just gone to TNA while they’re desperate enough to give him a push.  He’s just a squash guy now.  He doesn’t even get matches.  Ambrose clotheslines him on the ramp, then he gets a microphone to call out Baron Corbin.  Corbin with another stupid Titantron video opposite Ambrose.  Just fight, damn it.  Hawkins got up as Ambrose started to leave and ate Dirty Deeds.  Seriously, TNA would make you the champion.

  • Mojo Rawley names himself the first entrant in the Andre the Giant Battle Royal in search of his Wrestlemania moment.  Dolph Ziggler interrupts his interview.  He’ll undoubtedly beat the hell out of Mojo with a chair sometime soon.
  • Baron Corbin attacks Dean Ambrose with a lead pipe as he scours the back looking for him.  Then he squashes him with the forks of a forklift before security and company staff run him off and get Ambrose loose.

  • Alexa Bliss defends her “Blissertation”: This segment was terrible, so my pun here, the fact that they set me up for it, and the segment itself are going to the same place:

  • Alexa Bliss & Mickie James vs Natalya & Becky Lynch:  Because Daniel Bryan attempted to save the lost “Blissertation” segment by channeling Teddy Long, it’s time for a “Holla Holla Tag Team Match”.  He gets an “F” because he didn’t end that with Playa.  Other note on Bryan’s participation: Bliss will defend her title against “every available woman on the Smackdown Live roster” at Wrestlemania, meaning there will be some sort of a surprise, which I’m down for.  Natalya got frustrated waiting for a tag in, so she got in and German Suplexed Becky before leaving the ring.  Alexa tagged herself in and got the pin.  Mickie was pissed she didn’t get to pin Becky, so she hit the Mick-Kick on Alexa.  Can you hear it on the winds?  “Asuka’s Gonna Kill You”.
  • JBL needs you to know that he thinks what Baron Corbin did to Dean Ambrose is the most deplorable and unprofessional thing he’s ever seen, and he hit his stride in the Attitude Era and became a single’s champ during the Ruthless Aggression era.  If he said it once, he said it 15 times.

The Main Event – Randy “The Arsonist” Orton vs AJ Styles

  • Entrances are quickly followed by
    • Commercial Break 1:

You didn’t think I’d forgotten to mention Chrisley Knows Best starts at 10 PM, did you?

  • Were you aware that his was the biggest main event in the history of Smackdown?  Well, much like the despicable actions of Baron Corbin, you will by the time the commentary team is done with you.  Both competitors are given opportunities to look strong between the bell and…you guessed it
    • Commercial Break 2

Seriously, if you go to bed when SDL ends like I do, set your DVR.  If you don’t watch Chrisley Knows Best, you’re missing out.

  • AJ is on the offensive when we come back from the break.  AJ targets the knee of Orton as he has finally figured out what no one else has seemingly ever figured out in a match against Randy Orton:  If Orton isn’t on his feet, the RKO can’t come outta nowhere.  As you’re reading, you’ve undoubtedly come to the conclusion that an RKO Outta Phenomenal Forearm is going to be pretty freaking awesome.
    • This match is another in the ongoing testament to the work that people do when they get to work with AJ Styles.  For Orton, it’s not necessarily that he’s working above his capabilities, but AJ just seems to bring out the absolute best in anyone he’s put in the ring with, and for a guy like Orton who was literally born to be standing in that ring, it’s a great thing to see.
  • AJ faked out Styles with the forearm and he telegraphed the first RKO, but when he went for the 450 Splash, Orton dodged and hit a pop-up RKO for the win.