Sparklecrotch…Nah, RAW IS GOLDBERG!!!! – A Recap from 10/17/2016

Tonight’s Raw comes to us from Denver, CO.

Skip straight to Goldberg

Other Stuff that happened

  • Braun Strowman decimated the “Mile High Trio” tonight and threatened Foley at the end of it.  Sami Zayn came out to answer Braun’s challenge for real competition.  I’ll guess we will see next week on Raw.
  • Dana Brooke looked particularly vicious in her match against Bayley.  Dana picks up the win here.
  • Curtis Axel secures a singles match between his friend Bo Dallas and Neville.  Neville keeps on going for the Red Arrow but Bo avoids him.  He actually gets the pin against Neville and turns on Axel.  I like this.  Everyone seems to have a story right now, however ridiculous.
  • Speaking of ridiculous, Mark Henry and The Golden Truth took on Titus O’Neal and The Shining Stars over the alleged scam of a time share in Puerto Rico.  Mark Henry ends it with a World Strongest Slam on Titus, who jobs again.
  • We had two singles matches from members of a tag team:
    • Sheamus Vs. Big E Langston
      • Like Sheamus last week, Cesaro is Facebook Live streaming this whole match.
      • Extremely physical match in a way only Big E and Sheamus can do it.  Big E’s splash on the apron looks super painful.
      • After Sheamus complains that Cesaro is not filming him, Big E takes him out and pins him, leaving him shocked.  I think they’ve got a lot left to mine with these guys.
    • Big Cass Vs. Karl Anderson
      • This was basically a squash match.  I’m not sure if they were over time or what?  It was a few strikes and then the East River Crossing and that was basically it.
      • I’m worried what they’re doing with Karl and Luke.  I think they would have been much more naturally dominate on Smackdown.  Then again, it’s hard to feel good about any tag team’s chances that isn’t named “The New Day.”
  • Sasha and Charlotte were interviewed by Lita.  No new info here.  They’re just hyping up the match.
  • Mick and Steph formally accept the Survivor Series challenge from SmackDown Live.
  • Cruiserweight 6 Man Tag:
    • They had a great promo in the back where Kendrick was forming an alliance with Neese and Gulak.  WWE chose the right guy to lead the devision on RAW.  He’s probably the best heel on Raw because his motivations are grounded in a believable reality and everything he does supports that.
    • TJP rounds up Rich Swann and Cedric Alexander to round out his team.
      • Rich Swann is getting the best reaction from the crowd.  I feel Cedric Alexander is struggling, more than the rest, about his lack of response.  He’ll get there, but it might take a while.
    • I loved this match (and fuck off the guy that yelled out “boring”).  Kendrick tagged himself in several times when it suited him.  He took jumped in when his partners were starting to get the upper hand so he could get the upper hand.  As he said in the back, there are no friends on RAW.
    • Kendrick tags himself in and gets the Bully Choke Captain’s Hook on Swann.  Tony Neese holds back TJ from breaking the hold.
  • Seth Rollins calls Chris Jericho Sparklecrotch and gets the arena, who half of them are high, to chant it with him.
    • Jericho and Rollins have a match for the third week in a row.  The friendship is deteriorating and Jericho doesn’t want Kev at ringside.  Owens doesn’t really take it seriously and comes out mid-match anyway.  Jericho gets Seth in the Walls and Owens pulls the rope away from Seth so he can’t break the count.  The ref sees him and all hell breaks lose.  In the resulting confusion, Jericho tries to go for the Codebreaker but is reversed into The Pedigree for the third week in a row.
    • We at The Dark Match are going to miss Chris Jericho and Owens friendship.  There’s only about a couple more weeks of it left.  Drink it in……MAN!


I didn’t think that I could get to Mojo levels of hype for a Goldberg return.  I was wrong.  He’s so bad ass, even at 49.

How badass is that?


He cuts a great promo about how he wants to be a superhero to the kids again, one last time.  He fist bumps and hugs more kids on the way to the ring THAN BAYLEY.


On the way to the ring, he basically passes by the entire roster.  How cool is that?!


Maybe he has one last spear.  Maybe he has one last Jackhammer.

Brock Lesnar is Next…And Last.

I’m so hyped.


I know, I know.  I shouldn’t get myself worked up about something that’s ultimately going to disappoint me.  Why should I think that a 49-year old wrestler, who was never really that great, would mop it up with Brock Lesnar, who hasn’t lost clean in a long time.  Why should it be a legend to hand Lesnar his first clean loss and not some new generation guy?  Why are we excited to see a Wrestlemania XX rematch where everyone hated the original?

Who cares.  I want to see Bill jackhammer Brock.